Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
