I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize