I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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