Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
