I think i peed on brittanys purse
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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