Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
