my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
