I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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