do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
