why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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