highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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