You're my little dorito
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
