I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
