After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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