What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
