There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize