well I can't set my house on fire every night
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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