he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
