i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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