life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we're making bets on your personal life
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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