Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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