You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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