Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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