So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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