his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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