It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
