the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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