I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize