watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I forget how to act sober
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
