who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
