Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
