My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize