I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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