Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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