The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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