My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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