You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My feet surprised me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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