If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize