If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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