Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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