I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just want nice things and good sex
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize