you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
