guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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