I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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