Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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