What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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