our cab driver is having phone sex.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
