nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
