I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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