Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
