How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
