I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
