I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
