just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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