im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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