I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
