Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
