only you would photoshop your dick
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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