sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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