i already hear my dad disowning me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The Olympian is in my bed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
