In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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