i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
