she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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